Yesterday I saw PitchPerfect3, today I saw I, Tonya. First one was straight up silly. Second one was ridiculous and melancholy. Tomorrow has to be straight up serious. I think I will choose Phantom Thread, from director Paul Thomas Anderson. I am in need of an artistic romantic drama.
Tonight I do my first titrate up on the mood stabilizer. I hope Lamotrigine works for me. I crave stability. It feels strange not being able to return to work until April, but it won’t be safe to until I know this medication works and Rose can come to live with me. I feel a lot of pressure from myself and life in general to hurry up and be well. I feel a bit like an emotional leech to those I love. My mood is still shifting every few hours.
I think I may have had a short hypomanic episode today. These episodes are like siren songs beckoning me to over extend myself, do too much. Once I run out of energy I fall into the black hole of depression. It is all consuming. Depression makes it difficult to do anything or even see the smallest of beauties in the world. Everything is grey and the terrible parts of humanity stand out like red lighthouse beacons in a storming sea.
Suddenly I am back up again. Everything appears to be so radiant! I notice how the sunbeams dance through the blinds and I hear the cats purr which reminds me of simpler times on the farm. The cold winter air feels refreshing instead of suffocating. My thoughts come in a flurry, I can’t write quickly enough, and my speech can’t keep pace. There is so much to say and do before the shadow of depression casts itself over me again.
Well, it’s time to take the first round of the new dose. Wish me luck. ✌🏻🙀💊