Grasping Smoke

So today I was late for my therapy appointment. So that was great. Then something to do with my transmission busted and fluid leaked all over the ground. Of course I didn’t notice that until after my therapy appointment. So there I was thinking great, my stupid car is broken and so is my brain. Oh and I am financially kind of broke too because all of my money is going towards the rent at the old place with my ex. I am on medical leave because I would not be able to handle people screaming at me at work without wanting to kill myself.

I am staying with friends trying desperately not to be a leech. Scarlett has depression too and I don’t want to trigger her, but I think I might be. She does the same for me as well. We both are straining so fucking hard not to. I helped her bleach the ends of her hair a couple of days ago and we chatted like we used to. Nothing seemed pressing. Our depressions weren’t bearing down for once. Those little moments are like smoke flowing through our fingers; forever evanescent.

It’s so difficult trying to come to terms with…everything. Things I thought were lost have been found again. Things I believed would last forever have faded like photographs left too long in sunlight. I have to go through the grueling process of discovering who I am. Not the Margot I created for Mom, not the Margot I crafted for Dad, not even the self I projected to the world that really wasn’t me. I have to be my true self or die with a shattered mask on my face.

My entire life I had a different mask for everyone. I felt I would rather die than have people dislike me. I would rather die than try to keep up the facade of perfection because my soul was crumbling underneath. After a while I wondered if any of my masks were the real me. They weren’t.

All of the people currently in my circle are the select few that I have revealed what lies beneath. What that is constantly flows and shifts like water. They have shown me that they are not afraid of the sea. They appreciate the calm sparkling days and drop their anchors to weather the storms with high waves. Maybe that’s why I love lakes, seas, and oceans so much. They invigorate but can also devastate. Yin and Yang.

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