Have I H​it The Bottom Yet?

The answer is probably no, but one can hope. From January first until right this moment I have dealt with the aftermath of a thankfully not fatal car crash, went inpatient at a mental health hospital in response to a suicidal crisis, broke up with my boyfriend, moved out and began couch surfing, had an emergency room visit from medication side effects, had to repair my car, and recently had to resign from my job. It’s been a lot to navigate and try to deal with. Human Resources emailed me and asked me about when I would be returning to work. My FMLA coverage was slated to run out at the end of March. I knew I wouldn’t be able to come back by then. So I was basically coaxed into resigning.

I’ve been job searching using Indeed, Monster, and Craigslist mostly. I realized that maybe it was a good thing to be pushed into looking for a different job. For my entire working career, I have been a market researcher (call people and try to get them to do dumb and repetitive surveys), worked in fast food (Mcdonalds, Campus Dining, Subway, Tim Horton’s), been a server, and lastly a teller. All of these jobs have left me at the mercy of the general public. My most prominent trigger is anger. I’ve dealt with a range of it from slightly miffed to intense rage. I’ve been thrown into anxiety attacks and suicidal ideation many times because of this.

I am looking for jobs that don’t deal with the public, but they are either full time (I have to work part-time because of all this mental shit) or things like factory jobs. I’ve been considering things like being a house cleaner through sites such as Care.com. This would allow me to set my own schedule, pick the jobs I want, and not deal with people too much besides the people that need my services. I have features of OCD, so yes I can clean. I’m an obsessive perfectionist, so I am the dream housekeeper.

Right now Rose and I are looking for housing. Our first obstacle is winter. We are about four hundred and thirty miles apart right now. I’m not letting her drive against midwest winter conditions with a carload of all her belongings. This pushes us to April or May. Obstacle number two is, of course, my issue with employment. I will be traveling out west to be with my eldest brother and his family to try and clear this hurricane in my head and get away from the snow and ice for a bit.

I would like to do this whole cleaning thing, but I have to establish income first before Rose and I can apply to housing. I have a couple of options laid out before me. Return to the midwest and couch surf in town again, while building up a client base. Option number two is to find a job with the intention of maybe quitting said job after I build up enough clients. I really don’t want to do this because it would go against my personal code. Option three is to find a part-time summer job that has an expiration date and begin doing the cleaning stuff either after the summer work is done, or maybe only take a couple of the cleaning things.

I don’t want Rose to come until I have my shit together. She has savings and such, but I don’t want her to have to be the primary applicant if she doesn’t have to. My thing about all of this is that it’s nobody’s goddamn business about what money she has besides whatever employment income she makes. I will figure this out, but I also have to try and not be obsessive about it. That’s going to be the hardest part. Setting limits will be a big thing I think. Check jobs once a day. Don’t consistently check all day long. Also, don’t lower my standards. I cannot do food service. That’s a direct train to Suicidalville. No hard labor things, because if I am physically exhausted, it’s a challenge to have the energy to fight internal demons. Ugh. Going to figure this all out…eventually.


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