Thumb Twiddling/Knee Bouncing

Well if you’ve looked at my Instagram feed recently, I have been cat sitting for my friends while they went for a short trip overseas. I’ve been staying with them for a while now. It has been pretty alright, but I think I am ready to fly out to Charles and fam. Only a little over a week and I will be able to do that. I just worry I have been overstaying my welcome here. I know Scarlett would rather me stay here than live in a house with my ex, but I can’t help but feel I’ve been in her space too much. I’ve also been staying with friends periodically over in my other city for doctor appointments and therapy sessions.

I’ve already had a falling out with a friend of mine that was allowing me to stay with her while in town for appointments. I didn’t realize it, but I must have overstayed my welcome. I think her blowup with me was based on miscommunication and her not being upfront with me. I always doubt my thoughts and my general feelings because of my anxiety. I was worried that I had stretched her too thin, but she repeatedly told me it was alright. I just feel bad. With my current state, I am missing hints I guess you could say. Everything has been unstable since the end of last year, and I honestly will feel better once I am with my older brother.

I’m hoping that by taking time out of state that it will give me some space to think straight and maybe not worry as much about everything. I need to find a job. Rose and I still need to find housing. The problem is the rentals in my city are quite expensive or have requirements like making 3x the monthly rent. Apartment complexes that are within our price range seem to be in areas of questionable safety or they just have absolutely awful reviews. I’ve considered just being a teller again, but for a different credit union. I have way too much shame with my last place of employment. I’ve also considered being a cleaning person. That would be low key, but I’ve heard it can also be incredibly fast-paced which would not be good for my anxiety (which then triggers a mood episode usually).

I can’t do the food industry. Pay is too low and the last few jobs pushed me to almost go through with killing myself. Retail is absolutely out of the question as well. I feel so limited by my illness. I’m going to spend the next month scraping through Indeed and CL and hope I can find something that won’t push me over the edge. At least I know what the goddamn edge is now. I will figure everything out. It’ll just be a pain in the ass and I might cry from time to time or want to throw my laptop out the window.




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