Brain Dump

So many changes in plans since I last wrote on this blog. I was going to try and hop in with one of my friends, but the housing arrangement fell through. Now she’s going to try and buy a house. Her dad agreed to co-sign, but I’ll be flying back to the Midwest next month, so I’ve decided to just go back to my hometown. I’m honestly dreading it a little bit, but at least Rose will be there.

That weekend I fly into the city will be stressful though. I’ll have to pick up my car and then stay in a hotel. The next day I go to my ex’s place and pack what I can carry in my car and donate the rest. We are on good terms at least. I’m not sure what terms I’m on though with one of the other previous roommates. The following day I make the eight-hour drive to my hometown. I’ll stay with my mom. That’ll come with its own challenges, but I’m hoping to be able to be more open about my illness with my mom.

Of course, my dad lives in my hometown as well. I sent him and my grandmother an Easter card and they have since sent me a couple cards back. I still can’t talk to my father over the phone. I’m jobless, floating about, and unsure about everything. I’m not ready to handle my dad yet. He’s a good man and has good intentions, but he also has expectations and does not understand my illness at all. He can read up all about it on Google, but that doesn’t compare to the real thing. He got to see it up close and in person when he visited me last year before I was diagnosed with BP. Neither of us knew exactly what I was dealing with at that point, even though I had my suspicions.

Dad tries to help, but he’s so incredibly logical. This beast does not consist of any logic. My dad seems to be trying to figure this out as if it was a Rubix cube; something to be solved. Really it’s like M.C. Escher’s “Relativity.” There is also an aspect of shame. My dad lives with my grandma so I would get a double dose. I don’t think I can handle both of them together. Honestly, I would rather just deal with my grandma and not my dad at all. I’ve already pictured myself slinking around my small hometown, hoping they won’t see me in Wal-Mart or driving around.

Rose is still the go-between and I have no idea what to have her tell my dad. Should I just have her say that I’m in town but that I need space? I guess that is the best option. The whole thing just makes my insides twist. At least with my mom, there isn’t a feeling of too much shame. My mom is sick as well, she just…drinks…a lot.

The other thing I am thinking about is work. There is an opening for community supports aides at the local behavioral health system. I want to work with people that are going through struggles, but I’m worried I’m not ok enough to handle the pressures that come with the job. I can’t do things like food or customer service anymore. I know that much.

My other option is working in a hotel, cleaning rooms or maybe other cleaning jobs. I feel like the community support aide position would be much more fulfilling though. I’m half wondering if fate is trying to push me in that direction. Maybe I should just go for it, and if it doesn’t work out, if it’s too much, that’s ok. I can try something else.

No matter what, I will figure out a way to get back to the city. If I don’t end up being able to live with my friend, I’ll stay home for a bit, even a year if I have to, and save up to maybe do my own apartment. I might be able to do low-income or something. I’m trying to see some positivity about this even though I feel nauseous about it. But Rose and I will finally be able to see each other in person again after almost a year. We’ve been through so much together even though we’ve been hundreds of miles apart. It’ll be good to see her again and hug her.

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