Things have been pretty stressful for a while now. I’m experiencing severe anhedonia. All I’ve been wanting to do is sleep. I’m actually surprised I’m even writing this. I’ve been so stressed that my hair is falling out. I’m behind on all of my bills and I’ve been fighting with the DHHS for my medical coverage and for food assistance.
Once we have our paychecks rolling in consistently I know we will be ok, but right now everything is just all out of sorts. It’s been pretty much all I can think about. I still owe Rose money and I don’t know when I’m going to be able to get it to her. I might just have to pay it in parts. I really don’t want to do that but I don’t have a choice right now.
I do miss Rose, but with the estrangement with money and everything that has went down, I think she’s better off without me at this point. I haven’t really reached out to anyone besides one of my friends from college. She’s been stressed with her job and things too.
At least my job is easy. I just go in and clean a couple of banks every night. It’s kind of nice just to be able to do things by myself like that. As long as I do things right I don’t have to deal with a boss breathing down my neck. I do miss my last job though. I’m thinking that maybe once we move downstate that I will try that sort of job again and just really keep the hours low. It was stressful, but it was meaningful.
I just really want this blah depression to at least let up for a little bit. I haven’t wanted to do art, read, go for a walk, or anything really and I hate it. I don’t want to sleep my life away, but it’s been pretty overpowering as of late. I haven’t wanted to eat either which definitely isn’t helping anything. My guy has been really struggling as well. To afford our bills he had to sell his guitar which was incredibly hard for him. I told him that when things got better we could get him another guitar. The only problem is that I don’t know when things will get better exactly.
We went on a trip downstate and he was able to play a show and see his friends. He feels pretty listless here. This little town doesn’t have much going for it. At least most of the people here seem to be happy with that kind of life, but we really aren’t. Patience is hard to have when you don’t like where you are. We are hoping to move by winter. Everything is a waiting game.